Evaluating Advice and Information in Grief

Dr. Kenneth J. Doka

Often, when we are in the midst of grief, we receive the advice of others. Sometimes it is solicited, other times it is simply offered. It may be from family, friends, or co-workers. We may even seek out the advice – eagerly reading an article or advice columnist in the paper, or surfing the Net for information.

Problems can arise when the advice seems troubling to us. Or we may be torn by conflicting suggestions – one person may advise tossing out all reminders and cleaning the closets while another recommends that we go slowly, making decisions after some thought and time.

How do we sift through all those different opinions? How do we make sense of the conflicting advice?

Remember Grief Is an Individual Experience

In the past decades, our understandings of grief have changed considerably. We no longer look at grief as a predictable set of stages. Rather we view grief as a highly individual process influenced by many factors such as our relationships with the person who died, the ways that we cope, the nature of the death, as well as a range of social, spiritual, psychological, cultural, and other factors. Some of us may respond to a death with deep and heartfelt emotion, while others may respond by focusing on work or other activities. We should be suspicious of any advice that tells us how we should feel and how we should grieve.

One Size Does Not Fit All

Since grief is a highly individual process, it follows that we may find support and solace in our own different ways. Support groups are a wonderful example. Support groups can be highly useful – validating grief, offering support and respite, suggesting options as we cope with loss, allowing people to help others even in the midst of grief, and extending hope in a difficult time. Yet, support groups are not necessarily for everyone. Some may have adequate support among their circle of friends. Others may find effective, perhaps more private ways, to cope while still others may be too needy for the sharing environment of mutual support. In my support group, I emphasize that we can tell what helped us rather than what would help another. We need to be cautious whenever someone is insistent that this is what we must do!

There Is No Timetable to Grief


Grief is like a roller coaster – full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like a roller coaster, for many of us, the early part of the journey may not be the most difficult. Here the shock of the loss and the support of friends cushion us. Generally, depending on the nature of loss, most of us resume prior roles. If we are not functioning in our major roles – work, school, or home – or if we are resorting to drugs or alcohol to cope, it may be time to seek additional help. In addition, if over a period of time, maybe even a year or two, we experience the lows as often and intensely as ever, we may also want assistance in assessing what seems to be complicating our grief.

Say Goodbye to Closure

We never get over a loss. We learn to live with it. For most of us, pain lessens over time and we function at least as we did prior to the loss. Yet, even years later, we may, at special occasions, deeply miss the person who died. For example, when my first grandchild was born, I missed sharing it with my parents – even though they had died a decade ago. Distrust any counsel that suggests or promises that elusive “closure.”

We Can Trust Ourselves

Perhaps our inner voice is our best source of advice. What helped us in the past? This is often good counsel for the present. Moreover, as we hear the recommendations of others – in print or elsewhere – we can ask the question, it may have worked for others, but does it sound right for me? We are likely to know that answer.

Dr. Kenneth J. Doka