Second Interview with Dr. Earl A. Grollman

Dr. Earl A. Grollman is a writer, lecturer, and rabbi whose books on coping with loss number over more than 750,000 copies in print. A pioneer in the field of crisis intervention, he appears on many national television programs and his writings have appeared in numerous publications. His volume When Someone You Love Has Alzheimers: The Caregiver's Journey was written with Professor Kenneth S. Kosik of Harvard Medical School. 

Q:  My 76-year-old husband has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. How does one face the certainty of losing a beloved soul mate to this terrible disease?

A:  How excruciating to face this tragedy. Alzheimer's disease is a winding and arduous pilgrimage of a slow, progressive, fatal brain disorder where patients may linger through years of increasing decline and dependency. Even though you do not have the power to control the disease, there are suggestions to meet the needs of your husband as well as honoring your own requirements.

If your loved one is in the early stages, there is probably still time to fulfill some dreams and goals. Alzheimer's disease does not cripple a person overnight. Share the blessings that still delight you both. Go on walks. Listen to music. Enjoy the garden. Strengthen bonds with those you love. At the same time, begin to explore local resources for yourself and your loved one; for example, Alzheimer's organizations, day care programs, home services. Build a community of support for the uncertain journey that lies ahead.

As you care for your husband, you must care for yourself. Solicit and accept the help of others during course of your loved one's illness. Remember: receiving is the other side of giving. Seek information and ideas about the issues of caretaking. 

Listen with an open mind and then try out those ideas that make sense to you. You cannot devote every minute of every day to vigilant watchfulness. You must have respite from emotionally draining demands between caring for your husband and attending to your own needs. Find ways to have others take turns caring for him. Fresh air, a change of scenery, and exercise can help make connections with a world beyond. The importance of family and friends during this time of upheaval cannot be overstated. Keep in touch with your feelings. Write in a journal, draw, compose poetry, meditate. Fear of the future is real. Don't carry it in silence.

Consider an album or a scrapbook filled with pictures and memories with family and friends writing their own special remembrances. Even though the journey ahead is unknown, continue on the best you can with the tools and strengths at your disposal. Alzheimer's disease need not cripple love, silence courage, or conquer the spirit. In the words of St. Bernard of Clairvaux: "I can never lose one whom I have loved unto the end, one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly that it can never be separated, does not go away but only goes before."