Grieving and Growing

By Paul Irion

On September 11, 2001, as the nation was galvanized by the loss of thousands of lives in the collapse of the fiery twin towers, friends of ours stood heart-broken at the bedside of their daughter who had just died. In one sense the massive loss of life is no more devastating than the private loss of a single loved one. Though we are learning a good deal about private mourning, we are less informed about the mourning which follows a public tragedy. 

A paramount public tragedy we have all experienced together, September 11, involved several circles of mourners: the inner circle of families, co-workers, and friends of the victims; the second circle of rescue and recovery workers; and the extended circle of those across the world.

For survivors, the consideration of grief following such a public tragedy focuses on negative elements of the experience such as survivor's guilt and post-traumatic stress disorder. These are valid concerns and do need attention. 

But let us also consider positive outcomes. Those who work in bereavement counseling are familiar with the term: "Growth through grieving." Mourners are changed persons. Such change can be an opportunity for growth-to become stronger, "better" persons for having survived loss. We can look at such growth in several ways.

Coping with a tragic loss can be a time of emotional growth. Growth occurs through an increased sense of being part of humanity. Before 9/11 most of us never experienced such feelings of being tied together. Whether we lived in Kansas or New Jersey we felt a powerful emotional identification with the victims and survivors. We felt the chill of monstrous common and personal loss. We have to ask ourselves, how have we grown by knowing and feeling that we are profoundly tied emotionally, not only to those we love most, but to people we do not know personally?

Coping with tragic loss can be a time of ethical growth. On 9/11 people felt an urgent need to do something-anything! People with appropriate training rushed to help rescue workers. Donors flooded blood banks. Many of us made unusually generous contributions to relief funds. Congress even passed the Victim Compensation Fund supported with at least six billion dollars. This was a nuclear explosion of generosity.

But another ethical issue emerged when it became clear that there were unintended consequences: The magnitude of the generosity created problems of unequal distribution. The donors wanted to help those who had lost loved ones. But when funds were distributed, some families received larger amounts and others far less, suggesting that some individuals were more valuable than others. The funds were donated for families of 9/11, but the ethical question was properly raised: what about the victims of other terrorist bombings and other less public tragic losses? Here is the opportunity for ethical growth, not just in being generous to grievers, but in understanding the need for measured response rather than impulsive reaction. 

Grieving after a public tragedy offers a way to spiritual growth. The shattering experience of 9/11 caused most of us to realize life's fragility. Not only is our nation vulnerable, we are personally vulnerable. It could happen to any of us. So we reach for strength, in other people, in our faith, in institutions that represent the principles we hold most dear. September 11 brought an immediate public and individual reaffirmation of important values. Ongoing spiritual growth is not simply a matter of sustaining attendance at religious services, it involves our continuing awareness that we are mortal. How does the fact that death is always a momentary possibility affect our lives? Do we treasure more moments of each day? Do we reach out to those around us? Do we review and reaffirm every day those values that give our life meaning?

Paul E. Irion is Emeritus Professor of Pastoral Theology at Lancaster Theology Seminary of the United Church of Christ, and was the Founding President of Hospice of Lancaster County in Pennsylvania.