Holiday Memories

by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman

This is my first Christmas, in forty-six years, without my beloved father who died a few months ago. We want to remember him fondly but don't want to turn the holiday into a sad funeral-like observance. Do you have any recommendations for meaningful home-based family observances? 

The power and comfort of personal rituals can be therapeutic gifts. Of course, each family must decide individually how best to commemorate their loss as they celebrate the holidays. The following are suggestions of how some bereaved people have mingled their tinsel with tears.

"We start with a moment of silence or someone offers a toast or prayer whenever it seems appropriate."

"Grandma loved flowers so we place a single rose on the festival table in her memory."

"Ceremoniously putting a special ornament on the tree symbolizes Dad's favorite hobby."

"In memory of our child, we dedicate the 'shammes, the 'servant' or 'pilot light' from whose flame the other Chanukah candles are lit."

"We write special notes to my mother, put them in her Christmas stocking and then read them to one another during dinner."

"During the meal, I ask, 'What leaps into your mind when I mention Uncle Bill.' We go around the table, starting with children to adults. It's a memorable and spontaneous stream of stories that bring enjoyment, laughter, and pleasure." (A tape recorder may be placed near each speaker to be later transcribed for a permanent scrapbook of memories.)

"The chair where my grandfather always sat is given to the youngest grandchild to designate the continuity of generations."

"My brother always munched on jelly beans, so we have a few around and remember him and smile."

"We look through photo albums and show home movies and recall those 'good ole days'." 

"Our sixteen-year-old son wrote a poem that he reads in his sister's memory."

"We play his favorite recording: Frank Sinatra's "I Did It My Way."

For many, moments of reminiscences are one of the truest measurements of their enduring love. For as Solomon said in the Song of Songs: "Love is greater than death."