Children, Adolescents, and Loss

The images of students sobbing after tragic school shootings, or young children being led away from a day care center after a random attack, are forever burned into our memories. These events are powerful reminders of the uncertainty that faces us every day. While the number of children and adolescents directly affected by these random incidents is relatively small, the impact on the nation’s consciousness has been enormous.

If something positive can be learned from these events, it may be that these situations help people begin to understand what death educators and hospice professionals have always known: Children and adolescents, as well as adults, face a myriad of losses every day, and they do grieve these losses. While adults hope to protect children and adolescents from these painful realities, recognizing the impact of these losses on children’s lives is critical.

Of course, loved ones die—grandparents, parents, siblings, schoolmates. So do beloved pets—often a child’s first experience with death. Other losses do not involve death, but can generate grief reactions. One of the most significant loss situations facing children in our society is divorce. Children also may have to relocate, or go to a new school. As children move into adolescence, there are the more subtle but important losses—loss of identity, loss of roles, loss of self-esteem.

A critical factor of the grieving process now widely recognized is that grief is not something you “get over.” This understanding has important ramifications for young people. Losses they experience early in life may be revisited at critical times throughout their lives. The more those who work with children and adolescents realize this, the more equipped they will be to help young people cope with grief and incorporate loss in their lives in ways that are mentally and physically healthy.

Hospice, as the only medical system of care that deals with the emotional and spiritual aspects of death and dying, has always understood the impact of grief and loss on children and adolescents. Many hospices offer support groups for children and many communities now have independent children’s grief centers.

While traumatic images of loss may linger in our minds, the best way to help and prepare children for the future is through education and understanding of the day-to-day impact that loss and grief have on them. Addressing these issues while they are young will teach them valuable lessons that they carry into adulthood.