Excerpts from "If I Am Not for Myself: Caring for Yourself as a Caregiver for Those Who Grieve" by James E. Miller
If
I am not for myself, who will be for me?
But if I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?
These words were written over a thousand years ago by a man of wisdom named Rabbi Hillel. He was know for his gentleness, his kindness, and his concern for people from all walks of life. He was a caregiver. It’s appropriate, then, that his words reach across the centuries to address those who are caregivers today—particularly those who care for the bereaved.
…Our responses to Rabbi Hillel’s two basic questions may appear to contradict one another: “Yes, I truly care for others,” and “Yes, unquestionably I care for myself.” But in reality a person can make both statements and still be an excellent caregiver. In fact, it’s only in being able to make both statements equally, simultaneously, and unequivocally that one can be a vital, committed caregiver. Given that, what can be said about caring for oneself as a dedicated volunteer or as a trained professional who works regularly with those who are mourning?
-
Accept the fact that you cannot do this work alone and still do it well.
-
Understand you cannot do this work without letup.
-
Practice what you preach: wholeness.
-
Model what you stand for: healing and growth.
-
In the midst of heaviness, you can find ways to be light.
-
Befriend your helplessness.
-
Practice letting go.
-
Treat your work for what it is: a calling.
-
Gather the lessons from your work with those in grief and live. Just live.
(originally published in Living With Grief: At Work, At School, At Worship, Joyce D. Davidson and Kenneth J. Doka, Eds., Hospice Foundation of America, 1999).
